If my blog were a child, Social Services would be called

I am the worst blog parent ever.  If there is a Blogosphere Social Services someone go ahead and call them because I need this taken away and placed with a more nurturing family.  One that will give it daily attention and not just dress it in a nice header and add a Lijit search box.  I have not fed the poor thing since September!!  But you already know that because you stopped visiting (all 3 of you) and all I get around here is a very consistent parade of g00gle searches for:

1. falling uterus (here)
   
2. uterus falling out 
3. how to tell if your uterus is falling out
4. can your uterus fall out sneezing too hard
5. can your uterus fall out
6. what excersises can you do to strenthen your uterus (go here)
7. something funny to say today on monday  (HINT: it is NOT "my uterus is falling out"- nope, not funny, especially on a Monday)

I've been through the ringer the last 10 months, but the good news is I'm ready to be back on MY blog to talk about what I want.  For now, my good pal IRL needs your support today, can you go and give her some love?

What do Serena and Kanye have in common- don't worry it's mulitiple choice

A. they are both so entitled they now use zero judgment
B. they are both assholes
C. they didn't learn from their mother's the appropriate way to deal with anger
D. you can't buy class
E. all of the above

But alas, they each will get more press, more money and more annoying as time goes by. I don't see why the VMA doesn't just put a sign on the door that says, "Kanye West go home, you are not welcome here."

Beyonce was a class act as was Taylor Swift for coming out and giving her acceptance speech. They both deserve the limelight and it PROVES that those who use Twitter end up winning a lot of things. BTW, are you following me on Twitter? You never know when I might need your vote, I'll follow you back unless you are a bot and then I will block you. :)


If you missed the VMA's just get on Youtube or Twitter to catch up on all the buzz

Does This Constitute a Parent Fail?

Has anyone else gotten the "parent interview" paper home from school? The one where my child cheerfully reports, "I don't have homework, but YOU do!"

I have had two different ones so far this year. So, this will be simple... What is your child's favorite subject? oh, that's easy.....math, no --- shit why didn't I use a pencil? It's definitely science. Doubt, fear. What if I write science and he HATES science.

This little "homework assignment" just turned into an interview. (Patting myself on the back for the great idea to use this as a way to involve said child in the assignment.)

ME: "What is your favorite subject?"
Buddy boy: "Reading." This from the child who would rather have hot pokers in his eyes or be set outside in the wet grass to be eaten alive by mosquitoes than to run his eyeballs over a page with words on it.
ME: "Are you kidding me? You HATE to read, you whined and carried on all summer when I would tell you to go read a book!" Now this interview has turned into an argument.
Buddy Boy: "That was because it was summer, I love to read during the school year."

(FYI, I ran out the VERY next day and bought him a book. I'll be damned if that kid didn't lay in bed and READ himself to sleep last night!)


OK, second parent questionnaire, this one is on volunteering. Whew, this one is about ME, I will know ALL the answers.

Questionnaire: Do you have any special skills or talents you would be willing to share with the students/teachers?

ME: I don't know, do I? Shit, who can I call and ask if I have any special talents? OK, ship that one and come back to it.

Questionnaire: How often do you want to volunteer?

ME: Easy, wait, will I look like a loser if I say once a month? What if I want to volunteer in each kid's classroom, there is no blank for that. Do I look like a psycho mom if I say I want to volunteer once a week? I mean get a life lady!

Questionnaire: Would you like to volunteer at our sister school?

ME: No, not really, but does that make me an asshole fo not helping out where they need the help?

Dear School- Don't send any more homework home for me.

thanks,

Mom who knows nothing about her children, doesn't have any skills and is selfish with her volunteer time.

Totally annoying me right now

People who have their twitter account hooked to Facebook and tweet like every 2 seconds.

Eating dinner at 4pm so we can be to football by 5:15.

Coaches who say practice is at 5:30, but yell "You're late!" to anyone who arrives after 5:20.

People who continue to have the same problem OVER and OVER and never once take a look in the mirror, but blame everyone around them.

Kids who by the 5th grade do not come in the door from school and automatically answer the 5 questions I have asked daily for the last 5 years : "How was school? Anyone get in trouble today?* Who did you eat lunch with? What did you do at recess? Do you have homework?" *BTW, this is a GREAT question to ask when you want them to talk and you learn a LOT about the day.

People who say they are going to do one thing and do another.

Waiting for test results.

The way my daughter acts like she can't brush her teeth.

Kids who ask for dessert EVERY night.

Kids who ask what we are doing tomorrow after school.


What is annoying you?

Just when you think no one cares...

you get a little something like THIS from a great friend:



Headless Mom has been a supporter of mine for a LONG time. I'm not talking months or even years, I'm talking DECADES! She inspired my first mini skirt in 8th grade (or was it 7th?), she introduced me to the Go-Go's, she patiently went over, and over, and over the cheer routine with me knowing full well that I just wasn't going to get it. She's seen me heart broken, in love, mad, sad and glad. She's given me a truckful of helpful advice including the nudge to keep blogging through and around the stuff going on in my life. I love this woman! Thanks for being there all these years and showing me what it means to have a friend for life.

But alas the award comes with strings attached...The rules are as follows:

List 5 obsessions that I have and then tag 5 other people. (who comes up with this stuff?)

5 of my obsessions are:

1. Red Bull- (is it ok to start off with that?) Now I'm feeling guilty, maybe I should put "Raising my children to be happy, healthy, productive citizens." hmmm, even typing that felt wrong, it's definitely got to be Red Bull.

2. Sexual health- (that sounds creepy but so does Red Bull as #1 over everything else) my job as a sex educator is a passion of mine. My goal? Educate WOMEN about their bodies, make them laugh and give them an excuse to have a glass of wine while giggling with girlfriends, all in a setting that will have their parnters PUSHING them out the door.

3. Reading- anything really, I love to read and learn. I mostly read the internet, but I just tell people it's like reading a book. I read a TON of blogs (I'm better at doing that than keeping up with my OWN blog)

4. Facebook- me lovey some Facebooking, just a week ago I got back in touch with one of my besties from High School. oh did that girl make me laugh!

5. Cleaning- you read it right, cleaning. Anyone who knows me IRL is now choking on their coffee. That is a big fat lie, just ask my husband he'll tell you! I want to say exercise, but it isn't quite an obsession yet, but I'm working on it!

1. I am going to double tag Serenity Now - is that breaking some super secret bloggers rule? I started reading her when she was doing her 365 posts. She must have worn herself out she just doesn't post as much any more.

2. My Frugal Adventures (damn, I should have made HER one of my obsessions!) This woman is a TRUE gift in my life. I am learning the art of coupons, saving and having fun while doing it. Charlene puts an incredible amount of time and effort into her posts and I SO love her for it!

3. Mountain Momma Musings - this woman can write, she's funny and I think from reading about how she doesn't make her bed, she and I might get along VERY well (although for the record I DO make my bed, I just don't finish cleaning out the crockpot after making chili until there is mold floating on top of the water, but I digress)

4. Classy & Fabulous - the name says it all don't you think? What it doesn't tell you is that this young lady (uggghhh I'm OLD) is a great writer, sassy and just plain darling. I love reading her posts they make me feel as young as I am in my brain! I figured she needed a fabulous award for her fabulous blog!

5. The McMommy Chronicles - she's a blogger star, but her posts make me laugh or smile so she gets my award!

You can't make this shit up!

So, I have a new favorite guilty pleasure, this blog called Emails from Crazy People but this post called Italians aren't Kosher (audio)was pretty funny in a kind of sad way! (warning: profanity and racism) I'm trying to figure out what made it funny to me and I think part of why I got such a kick out of it is not because of the joke, but because for a few minutes this bigot of a man had the scare of his life. Hopefully the public embarrassment makes he and his wife take a look at their prejudices.

What is YOUR guilty pleasure?

I thought about this title: How not to pee your pants like Fergie, but then changed my mind

because I figured you'd rather picture this:

thanks google images

than this:

thanks Fergie

In my last post I promised to deliver the good news about your pelvic floor. I promised to post this the next day. Here we are three days later. Just letting you know that I have a skewed sense of what "I'll post tomorrow" means.

OK, OK I know you are here for the good stuff, the details about how doing Kegels is going to make you a vixen in bed improve your sexual health. IF you missed yesterday's post three days ago's post you'll want to catch up, so go read here first. Ok, I know you are jumping right to the good stuff, just promise me you'll read the previous post.

A prolapsed uterus is no fun and Kegel exercises will definitely help with urinary incontinence (as long as you do them properly). But a tight, toned pelvic floor will ALSO allow you to experience orgasm in a whole new way. Orgasms become more frequent, more intense, and your chances of having more than one just shot through the roof! Anyone else jumping up and down clapping? Careful with the jumping though, a weak PC muscle (Pubococcygeus muscle) can cause a little urinary leak, that's never romantic.

Kegel exercises, just like any other form of exercise, create an increase in the the blood flow to the pelvic region. This will increase your awareness of the clitoral and vaginal sensations that lead to orgasm. The rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region that produce intensely pleasurable sensations just got that.much.better. A strenghtened PC muscle will contract more powerfully than would a flabby muscle, and hence the likelihood of stronger orgasms is much higher with stronger PC muscles.

Blah, blah,blah what does it all mean? It means that doing Kegel exercises will help your physical health as well as your sexual health - keep you from peeing your pants like Fergie make you GREAT in the sack!

and a word from our sponsor, Slumber Parties by Kelly.... Since most women do these exercises improperly, using their stomach muscles or their butt muscles or both, these little Ben Wa Balls force you to use the proper muscles. It's weight training for the pelvic floor.


P.S. Just so the men folk don't go away unhappy here's a little sex vixen, kegel exercise information for them as well! (not that I think I have too many readers male readers, but I aim to please)

P.P.S. I'm back to the blog and I'm really working on increasing my readership so be a dear and pass this along if it made you laugh or if it gave you and good ideas about how to spice things up. thanks! Stumble it? Check out the new Digg widget...maybe press it? :)

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