Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sketchy Santas

You guys are going to flip over this site!! Too funny, and actually a little alarming at the trauma we put our children through! I am CERTAIN that a few of those Santas have ulterior motives!!

Go on over to Sketchy Santas, you may have a few of your own to add!

Ho, Ho, HO!!!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Kid response to the Mom Sense Video

Here is the famous, Mom Sense Video with the very funny and talented Anita Renfroe (just to refresh your memory)

This is a cute response:

and if you haven't seen Dad Sense, it's well worth the long intro!!

This one ought to be called "Wife Sense" but it's called Don't Breath (hilarious!) by Anita Renfroe

You'll have to click the link to get this one, but just promise you'll come back. 

I got an AWARD ya'll!  I suck at these, but this one came at just the right time.  I think I have to pass it on to 7 other peeps....this ought to be good, so be on the look out!!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thanksgiving poem for my loney blog and the jerks who have kept me away:

Thanks Google
because ALL poems are written with a calligraphy pen

We became acquainted when things in my life were grand
I started posting to have a place to be myself
to share the fun pictures and silly memories.
Then I left you to pay attention to business
and only gave you fleeting attention.
Then I fell into a depression and wanted to use
you to vent my feelings and expose my pain.
I couldn't because I didn't want those who hurt me
to have a window to pour in their salt.
I've allowed the thought of them reading here keep me away.
No longer, I'll say what I want and tell MY story.
Go away evil doers and your evil ways,
Kelly is here to STAY!

This is one of those awful poems that isn't like a poem at all, except maybe for the fact that I pressed return at the end of every few words to make it look "poemy". Speaking of poems, I had the pleasure of attending my son's 5th grade class poem reading. They were so cute, they served "hot chocolate", I lovingly refer to it as brown water. One of the kids started their poem out with "My brother sucks" soon as I heard that all my nervousness for my son went out the window. I knew even if his poem didn't rhyme it couldn't be worse than "My brother sucks." Oh the joy those parents must have felt that day drinking their brown water and listening with pride.

I toast you all this Thanksgiving Day with a glass of brown water and a poem of my own. At least I didn't title mine "I have known a few assholes in this lifetime."

P.S. Sadly, my son inherited my lack of haiku skillz.

P.S.S> Have some time on your hands today to read sarcastic greeting cards? These are the best!

Monday, November 16, 2009

If my blog were a child, Social Services would be called

I am the worst blog parent ever.  If there is a Blogosphere Social Services someone go ahead and call them because I need this taken away and placed with a more nurturing family.  One that will give it daily attention and not just dress it in a nice header and add a Lijit search box.  I have not fed the poor thing since September!!  But you already know that because you stopped visiting (all 3 of you) and all I get around here is a very consistent parade of g00gle searches for:

  1. falling uterus (here)
  2. uterus falling out 
  3. how to tell if your uterus is falling out
  4. can your uterus fall out sneezing too hard
  5. can your uterus fall out
  6. what excersises can you do to strenthen your uterus (go here)
  7. something funny to say today on monday  (HINT: it is NOT "my uterus is falling out"- nope, not funny, especially on a Monday)
I've been through the ringer the last 10 months, but the good news is I'm ready to be back on MY blog to talk about what I want.  For now, my good pal IRL needs your support today, can you go and give her some love?

Monday, September 14, 2009

What do Serena and Kanye have in common- don't worry it's mulitiple choice

A. they are both so entitled they now use zero judgment
B. they are both assholes
C. they didn't learn from their mother's the appropriate way to deal with anger
D. you can't buy class
E. all of the above

But alas, they each will get more press, more money and more annoying as time goes by. I don't see why the VMA doesn't just put a sign on the door that says, "Kanye West go home, you are not welcome here."

Beyonce was a class act as was Taylor Swift for coming out and giving her acceptance speech. They both deserve the limelight and it PROVES that those who use Twitter end up winning a lot of things. BTW, are you following me on Twitter? You never know when I might need your vote, I'll follow you back unless you are a bot and then I will block you. :)

If you missed the VMA's just get on Youtube or Twitter to catch up on all the buzz

Friday, August 28, 2009

Does This Constitute a Parent Fail?

Has anyone else gotten the "parent interview" paper home from school? The one where my child cheerfully reports, "I don't have homework, but YOU do!"

I have had two different ones so far this year. So, this will be simple... What is your child's favorite subject? oh, that's easy.....math, no --- shit why didn't I use a pencil? It's definitely science. Doubt, fear. What if I write science and he HATES science.

This little "homework assignment" just turned into an interview. (Patting myself on the back for the great idea to use this as a way to involve said child in the assignment.)

ME: "What is your favorite subject?"
Buddy boy: "Reading." This from the child who would rather have hot pokers in his eyes or be set outside in the wet grass to be eaten alive by mosquitoes than to run his eyeballs over a page with words on it.
ME: "Are you kidding me? You HATE to read, you whined and carried on all summer when I would tell you to go read a book!" Now this interview has turned into an argument.
Buddy Boy: "That was because it was summer, I love to read during the school year."

(FYI, I ran out the VERY next day and bought him a book. I'll be damned if that kid didn't lay in bed and READ himself to sleep last night!)

OK, second parent questionnaire, this one is on volunteering. Whew, this one is about ME, I will know ALL the answers.

Questionnaire: Do you have any special skills or talents you would be willing to share with the students/teachers?

ME: I don't know, do I? Shit, who can I call and ask if I have any special talents? OK, ship that one and come back to it.

Questionnaire: How often do you want to volunteer?

ME: Easy, wait, will I look like a loser if I say once a month? What if I want to volunteer in each kid's classroom, there is no blank for that. Do I look like a psycho mom if I say I want to volunteer once a week? I mean get a life lady!

Questionnaire: Would you like to volunteer at our sister school?

ME: No, not really, but does that make me an asshole fo not helping out where they need the help?

Dear School- Don't send any more homework home for me.


Mom who knows nothing about her children, doesn't have any skills and is selfish with her volunteer time.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Totally annoying me right now

People who have their twitter account hooked to Facebook and tweet like every 2 seconds.

Eating dinner at 4pm so we can be to football by 5:15.

Coaches who say practice is at 5:30, but yell "You're late!" to anyone who arrives after 5:20.

People who continue to have the same problem OVER and OVER and never once take a look in the mirror, but blame everyone around them.

Kids who by the 5th grade do not come in the door from school and automatically answer the 5 questions I have asked daily for the last 5 years : "How was school? Anyone get in trouble today?* Who did you eat lunch with? What did you do at recess? Do you have homework?" *BTW, this is a GREAT question to ask when you want them to talk and you learn a LOT about the day.

People who say they are going to do one thing and do another.

Waiting for test results.

The way my daughter acts like she can't brush her teeth.

Kids who ask for dessert EVERY night.

Kids who ask what we are doing tomorrow after school.

What is annoying you?